Committing to Balance.
I’ve always felt that there is no happy medium with me - no in between. I’m either as cool as a cucumber or flying off the handle. I’m either super judgy or admittedly overly empathetic. I either go for it all the way or I don’t. I’m either a complete blabber mouth or I share absolutely nothing. The last few months I’ve really tried my hardest to refocus and re center myself; and that’s easier said than done. Throughout the process, I’ve really had to sit with myself and unpack a lot of shit. I mean A LOT of shit. I’m lazy, I lack follow through, I’m impatient. I have enough ideas to fill a lifetime, and a lot of times they just sit on the shelf of my mind collecting dust.
Those are my truths. And I can live with them. Despite all of those things, I can live with myself and the decisions I’ve made throughout the course of my life; because despite all of those things - it’s been a fucking beautiful one so far. It’s so easy to look at your life and focus on one side of it, whether it be the good or the bad. What I’ve learned in my few years, though, is that life isn’t binary. There are a lot of things that simply aren’t black and white. That’s the beauty and the frustration of it all. There’s room for gray. There’s room for fucking up. There’s room for making bad decisions. There’s also room to celebrate yourself. There’s room for being selfish. And so I’ve decided to give myself grace. I’ve decided to make peace with myself. I’ve committed myself to attempting to achieve balance.
I know I’m not gonna get it right every time. But my life is mine. I’m committed to no one but me. That’s such a unique place to be in, a luxury in fact. I’m very grateful for it. I can give myself the space to be sad, and I can give myself the space to live my best life; because I don’t owe anyone my fake joy. I’ve wasted so much of my life being a voluntary crutch to the people around me. Allowing myself to be used to fill other people’s voids. This is my time to be selfish. This is my time to unlearn toxic habits and relearn myself. Even writing this is such a vulnerable space to be in, and it’s uncomfortable; but it feels good?
I started this blog for many reasons, and one of them was to force myself out of my comfort zone. Another was to share my story as I’m writing it. This is not me waxing poetic, or trying to be fake deep. A bitch is just feeling reflective, lol. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, don’t be afraid to share. I promise there is someone out there who needs to hear your story for one reason or another.